Dear Sirs,

I have just returned confused, from my latest safari to your store, and would welcome your advice on my experiences. I will try to be brief, since I know that you are busy and probably don't have as much time to waste as a customer waiting at a checkout.

The Asda experience starts, of course, as soon as you enter the car park. Do you put something in your own-brand Horlicks that causes your customers to lose the capacity for rational thought when attempting to park their car. Every time (no exaggeration, every single time) I have to stop and wait while Miss Daisy or Victor Meldrew executes a 527-point turn to manoeuvre their Nissan Micra into a parking space that could accommodate the entire Japanese merchant fleet that brought the bloody thing here in the first place.

Having cleared that obstacle, moved some trolleys out of the way and got my own car into a space, I head for the door into the store.

At first, like many other customers, I used to feel intimidated by the group of gobbing swearing chanting litter-throwing obscenity shouting yobs hanging about at the door. Running the gauntlet of this guard of dishonour became easier, though, when I realised that they are your secret weapon, a masterstroke against the rampant criminality which pervades the lower echelons of our society.

Yes I've sussed it. They are your store detectives aren't they? How else can you explain their presence every single day, without any evidence of disturbance by security staff or police? I've tried visiting at different times of day, different days of the week, for months, but they are always there. I've only being doing that since last July so I obviously haven't reached bath night yet.

The yobby gobby lobby bobbys are obviously quite senior, because the security guys quake when any of them come close. There's another point Ð who else employs security guards so small and skinny that they look like they double in weight if their shirt gets wet? Honestly, I've seen more meat on a butcher's apron (not in your store, obviously - I've never actually managed to wait long enough to reach the front of the queue at your meat counter.)

Anyway back to the yobby gobby bobby-jobbies. Although they can usually be found at the door (just follow the trail of fag-ends and bottle tops if you're not brave enough to look up and risk catching their eye) they can occasionally be seen wandering the aisles looking for stuff to nick, again without apparent fear of reprimand by security staff (who generally and wisely, in my view, walk away to avoid any possibility of confrontation). This is obviously intended to encourage other customers to follow their example and subsequently find themselves arrested for opening a packet of Spearmint Chews while waiting in the checkout queue.

Personally, I don't, I usually prefer to get the primus stove out while waiting at the checkout, and have a nice warming broth and some stewed tea. By the time I've done that, washed the dishes and had my dessert, it's usually my turn at the checkout anyway, so even a long period of time passes quite quickly.

I digress again from the hobby-bobby soap-dodgers. All very clever, once you've sussed it out. My only concern is that, for the majority of customers who haven't worked this out yet, these people are probably quite intimidating. The more stupid might be put off coming to your store at all, and you wouldn't want that, would you? So here's a suggestion: either give them the security guard uniforms to really intimidate the real criminals, or get the security staff you have already to do their bleeding jobs, and clear the scruffy smelly obnoxious wee bastards off your property en masse. Worth a try eh?

Oh and while I've got my letter-writing brain in, here's another thing. How is it that, unless you arrive in the store between 8:00 and 8:07 am, the shelves are half-empty? You have specialist shelf-stocker staff who stuff stuff onto shelves until the shelves are groaning under the wait of stuff. Or at least they are supposed to. What they do is stack stuff in a layer one can or box deep, so that the shelves look stuffed but most of the stuff is still stored in the store room and not in the store so the stuff on the shelves in the store soon disappears so any customers who arrive after the first 5 minutes are stuffed. By that time the store shelf stacker staff have gone home so the stuff in the store room doesn't get brought out into the store to replace the stuff that's been sold. Stuff it, I'll buy my stuff somewhere else where there is enough stuff out.

Oh and another thing - how is it that most stores have some sort of loyalty or points scheme but you don't? At least in Sainsbury's, if I bought enough petrol to incinerate, let's say, a crowd of louts, I'd get a bloody good discount off a bar of soap to get the splashes off my hands. With you, nothing. I don't even qualify for the normal NOCOF (nick one, chor one free) that the lobby-mob expect. You really must do better in the modern competitive retail climate.

I hope you find these comments helpful. Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.

Yours faithfully