Dear Sirs,

Thank you very much for your letter of 8 June which was most enlightening.

Allow me, if you will, the luxury of explaining the position, which might have assisted you when you visited. All you had to do was ring the doorbell.

This ŅaccumulationÓ of rubbish had occurred, in the main, over the previous two weeks. Before that time, there were, to be fair, a few plastic bags containing old toys that my two teenage daughters had cleared out of their room. I had of course considered the possibility of vermin, but given that, in my experience, even the simple educational benefits of Fisher Price are well beyond the capabilities of most rodents (apart from Danger Mouse, obviously, but heÕs a special exemption, I think youÕll agree, because of the number of times he has saved the world already), and that only in the tales of Beatrix Potter do pre-pubescent mice play with dollies, I did not consider those items likely to be particularly vermin-infestable.

There were also a couple of old car parts, but again, apart from Danger Mouse as above, IÕm not aware of rodents with mechanical skills, far less vehicles to practice them on. I have tried to train gerbils in the past to loosen less accessible bolts and screws on a variety of cars and I can assure you, they are absolutely bloody hopeless. No chance of infestation there either, then.

Two weekends ago my son had a similar clearout, this time including clothes and other items that might have provided nesting materials. There were also some empty soft drinks cans, which I suppose could have provided little rodent Andersen shelters for use in the event of global thermonuclear war or a cooking accident in next doorÕs kitchen.

There were no foodstuffs in those bags apart from one half-chewed caramel, and a squashed Smartie Š hardly enough to keep Mr and Mrs Rodent and their family of 293 (at the last census) in luxury for any time.

On Thursday 31 May, two new beds were delivered for my daughters, wrapped in enough bubble wrap and cardboard to make a third bed. Seeing as how there are 5 of us (adults) in a comparatively wee hoose, there is little space inside for storage of screeds of cardboard and burst (well you canÕt help yourself can you?) bubble wrap, so we added that to the ŅaccumulationÓ that had been there for weeks. About 2 weeks, so far.

We also added the dismantled old beds that we were chucking out.

The following Monday (the 4th of June) we called into the one-stop-shop in the shopping centre and arranged for everything to be collected on the Friday. That was the earliest date the Council could give us.

On the Tuesday or Wednesday (I canÕt remember, so deep is my disinterest) a neighbour called and said that she had reported to you that she had seen a cat or a mouse or something. Well go to the foot of my stairs. I saw a squirrel in her garden once but I never accused her of having a house full of nuts. Well not overtly, anyway. Fortunately she called when I was not in, else the reaction might have been less tolerant.

Anyway, the Council didnÕt turn up on the Friday as promised, so I made arrangements that evening with a friend, to borrow a van to take all this stuff to the site in Deans Š although itÕs not been the same since the old guy left, he was very nice and helpful. The man in charge now is a bit harder to please but thatÕs Health and Safety for you I suppose. Your advice on the existence of the site is very helpful to newcomers IÕm sure, but IÕve lived in Livingston for 25 years, so IÕve already been a few times.

The Council turned up first thing on Saturday and cleared up the lot. Apart from a couple of orbiting baffled bees, half a ladyshaver, a bottle of nail varnish and a Milky Way wrapper, that was it Š no meeces to hate to pieces.

All sorted, and no need to borrow a van after all.

I am also grateful for your invaluable advice on when bin day is. I had been wondering, for the last 18 years I have lived here, what that big yellow noisy thing was that ate wheely bins and spat the bones out, so the other week I though I would copy my neighbours and put mine out too. It emptied it! IsnÕt that amazing. I will try it again tomorrow and see what happens. I will have to wait again to see what colour bin my neighbours put out though, because itÕs too hard for me to understand after only 18 years. My family has to evolve into such knowledge, itÕs too much for a single generation to assimilate.

Nevertheless. I hope that my pre-emptive arrangements to clear it all up, clears it all up and closes this matter.

While writing, though, I would welcome your advice on a couple of things. I mentioned earlier about the car parts Š depending what day you visited, you might have seen my wee car that I tart up as a hobby. ItÕs nice eh? I donÕt usually keep it at the house because sometimes fixing cars can be a bit noisy (not necessarily hammering, just jangly spanners and engine noise say, and even the engine noise isnÕt that quiet), so I didnÕt want to upset the neighbours. No, I went and rented a garage miles away, well beyond the middle of nowhere (well near West Calder which is much the same thing), at considerable expense, so that my neighbours can have peace. Considerate or what?

Even when I do occasionally work on it here, I am careful not to start too early and / or work too late Š I take 10-ish am as being the earliest reasonable start at weekends, and 8-ish pm as the latest reasonable finish. Now this isnÕt every day, or even every week or every month (sometimes the car sits at the garage for 2 months and doesnÕt turn (or even sit on) its wheels, for example) but occasionally, if it happens to be more convenient for me to access the tools I have here. Nor is it continuous work for all those hours Š apart from being over-considerate I am also far too old and fat to work on a car continuously for that length of time. IÕm sure I could if I really persevered though.

My question is this. If I were to start at 8am would that be a nuisance? What if I were to finish at 10pm Š would that be a nuisance? I am guessing that the answer will be ŅItÕs fine if itÕs occasionally but not on a regular basisÓ. I would be pleased if you could clarify.

What about cutting the grass at 7am before I go to work? That is the most convenient time for me, but not for them, I suspect. Still IÕm sure that theyÕll display some understanding Š itÕs what you do in a friendly neighbourhood, isnÕt it?

For example, have I complained about the neighbour who washes his car 3 times a week with a gadget that generates more foam than an entire airport fire service extinguishing a pile up of recently-fuelled Jumbo jets? No.

Do I complain that this tsunami of foam then runs down the hill and lies across my driveway like one of the hilariously-placed obstacles in "It's a Knockout", because the road drainage hasnÕt worked properly since it was relaid in paviors by the Council 12 years ago? No I donÕt.

Do I complain at the daily sound of trumpet practice from next door? Nope not me. Especially not now that sheÕs getting good at it.

Do I complain about yapping wee dogs that bark at me when IÕm in my own garden minding my own business? Nope.

I wouldnÕt like you to think that I am planning any form of retaliation Š far from it. I do not possess the necessary qualifications of self-righteousness, busybodyness, nosiness, inability to mind my own bloody business or lack of anything better to do. I am too busy getting on with my own life without worrying about the increasingly-apparent deficiencies of others. I merely seek assurances that I can hitherto do what I like and not fall foul of some obscure law of which I am so far unaware.

You will appreciate my concern, IÕm sure, if I confess that this is not the first time that I have been in trouble with the Council. To my eternal shame, 16 years ago I received a letter after some interfering old fart who has since moved on (by that I mean that he moved house, not that he euphemistically Ņmoved onÓ to a more ephemeral existence than we can offer even here in the blissful ambience of xxxxxx xxxxx) spotted my son, then aged 3, pull 4 leaves off a bit of hedge, and reported him for vandalism. I got a helluva telling off in that letter, I can tell you. That was in the days when Councils really knew how to piss their decent residents off, not this politically-correct namby-pamby social-inclusion stuff you get now. I wonÕt be letting him do that again.

I donÕt want to be getting an ASBO or anything because of this ongoing deplorable record of severe community abuse, so I would be grateful if you could help constructively, and look forward to receiving your advice.

Yours faithfully

Complaining Git

Founder Member and Patron of the ŅStig of the DumpÓ Appreciation Society