I refer to your letter of 5 November regarding your proposals to introduce a residents’ parking scheme to facilitate car parking in the vicinity of (a certain) football ground.

Find a nice comfy chair in a quiet place. Take the phone off the hook. Comfortable? Good. Now read on. I want you to concentrate now, because this is important.

When your Council first started to promote this scheme, I went along to one of the consultation evenings, and was a bit disappointed, to say the least, to find that, contrary to the notices, there was no-one in attendance who was adequately familiar with the scheme to be able to answer my questions and alleviate my concerns. No I wasn’t disappointed, nor was I surprised – I was just disgusted at the cavalier approach to so-called “consultation”.

A nice man in a suit advised me that if my question was any more complicated than “which way up do the plans go?” or if my comments varied significantly from “I am in full support of this scheme” then I should write to the Council. I did just that. I attach a copy of that letter for your ease of reference. I would attach a copy of your reply if I had one, but you never bothered so tough eh?

Your response? You took full account of my clear and reasonably argued points by extending the scheme to include my street, which was previously outwith the scheme. A truly amazing reaction.

So now I have to apply for a permit for a vehicle registered at my home. I have a company car, and nowhere to garage it. Your letter suggests that I will not be able to get a permit for it, so I must obviously park elsewhere on match days, I suppose, and undergo the gauntlet of returning to my home through crowds of profane lecherous yobs with weak minds and bladders, a penchant for projectile vomiting and a propensity for al-fresco bare-knuckle farting competitions which are inevitably terminated by the joint laxative and inebriating effects of previous over-indulgence in a liquid lunch. A pleasant and sociable experience which I would urge you to try at least once, preferably in your own front garden, for the full effect.

There are several points arising from your promotion of this Order, to which I would welcome a cogent and comprehensive reply:

1. My understanding of Statutory Instrument 1996 No. 2489 “The Local Authorities' Traffic Orders (Procedure) (England and Wales) Regulations 1996” suggests that persons affected by the Order (that’s me) should have the opportunity to make representations. I did that and you ignored them. The regulations also suggest that if an Order is to be amended, and the effect of that amendment is to make the Order more onerous, then the procedure of consultation and notification should start again. Is that what your latest letter purports to be? If so, where is the opportunity to make further representation? Where can the revised plans be inspected? What public notices have been published in the local press and the Gazette, and have on street notices been erected? When is the closing date for further objections?

I am aware that, after the Order is made, there is a period during which any person who considers that the appropriate procedures have not been followed may apply to the courts for the Order to be ruled incompetent. I shall have no hesitation in seeking advice on such recourse if I consider that this Order has been improperly promoted.

2. Whether the Order is promoted properly or not, I shall be considering my basic human rights, and those of my neighbours, to live in our homes, to come and go as and when we please, and to protect our property. I consider that the imposition of restrictions on my life, particularly when this is purely in the interests of commercial gain, is an infringement of my basic human rights, and contravenes Article 6 of the European Convention of Human Rights. I am also taking advice on that, as I feel that a test case of precedent, which would cover thousands of people put in a similar position by similar financial greed around a number of stadia, should be brought before the Courts.

3. I am also fascinated by the various Government White Papers promoting social justice, social inclusion etc. “New Deal for Transport” is one such document, which promotes fairness for all.

But not for me and my neighbours, apparently.

Why can’t the Football Club promote peripheral parking sites with shuttle buses on match days? This is a far more sustainable transport alternative, in terms of Planning Policy Guidance 13 etc, than catering for unlimited car parking around the stadium. It would also facilitate crowd management and segregation in terms of the Taylor report on Safety at Sports Grounds, would it not? I am sure that the police and other emergency services would also welcome such a move.

Why not? I’ll tell you why not – because it’s too expensive and therefore unattractive to the aspirations of greedy deep-pocketed developers, that’s why. So instead, we, the poor wee residents, have to put up with something that falls considerably short of even second best.

Not this time.

I trust that you will treat these comments more seriously than my previous letter. I therefore look forward to hearing from you in the very near future.

Yours faithfully