Furniture
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Introduction |
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| Letter to Furniture Company
25 June 1997 The Managing Director XXXXXX Furniture Ltd Dear Sir, I bought a house. It cost £50,000. After I moved in, I asked a man to re-decorate it for me. He quoted a cost of £57,000. I said he was a greedy git and told him to get lost. I bet you would have done the same. Then I bought a car. It cost £12,000. After 12,000 miles, I took it for a service. The garage quoted a cost of £16,000. I said he was a greedy git and told him to get lost. I bet you would have done the same. Then I got double glazing installed in the house. It cost £5,000. I asked a man to clean the windows. He quoted a cost of £6,000. I said he was a greedy git and told him to get lost. I bet you would have done the same. Then I bought a video camera. It cost £700. After I used it, I had to buy a battery charger. The man in the shop said they cost £1,000. I said he was a greedy git and told him to get lost. I bet you would have done the same. Then (and this is the best bit) I bought a suite from you about 6 years ago. It cost £1,200. The nice lady in the shop said that it was easy to clean because it had removable covers. I paid extra for stain protection. When I got the suite, the covers said "dry clean only". This was a bit of a disappointment, based on what I had been told in the shop. After I had sat on it a couple of times, it got dirty. I asked YYYYYYY (as recommended by you in documents accompanying my receipt) to clean it. He charged me £80. It wasn't clean. Three years after I bought the suite, I had to buy another set of covers. They cost about £400. They wouldn't clean either. They are now filthy. Don't even try to blame YYYYYYYYYY, because they have cleaned other items in the house successfully. On Sunday 22 June, I went to buy another set of covers (i.e the second set in six years). The cost has now apparently soared to £1,400. Now, since we both recognise the principle of the "greedy git", tell me, would you pay that, eh? I could buy a brand new so-called "inferior" suite every three years, and still save a considerable amount of money. I bet you would do the same. When I bought your suite, I gave away a suite which I had owned for 9 years. It cost half of your cost, had never been cleaned in all that time, and still looked better than yours did after less than one year. I only changed it because I was sick of the sight of the old one. If I could dig it out of the bottom of the landfill site, and give it a bit of a brush down, it would probably still look better than yours. So I am now stuck with a suite which Worzel Gummidge would be ashamed to be seen sitting in. I can't sell it in its current state, so I will have to chuck it away. Before I do, though, I intend to put it to one final use, by loading it on a lorry and parking outside each of your high street shops for a day at a time, with a big poster that says "This is how a XXXXXX looks after three years", and let the passing public decide whether I am particularly messy, or your suite covers are a pile of rubbish. This might give new meaning to your frequent TV offers of "zero interest". Alternatively, I could send it to the BBC where it would make a perfect prop for Wayne and Waynetta Slob's living room in Harry Enfield's Comedy Show. I would, of course, ensure that your comany was were granted full credit for their contribution to the overall effect. So what are you going to do to help me. eh? I only bought the thing because I thought that it would be easy to keep clean. I didn't realise that this meant converting my home to a sterile environment that would make a modern microchip-manufacturing lab look like a mediaeval midden. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Yours faithfully, Unfortunately they chose to write back after a couple of weeks and say that "after a detailed investigation they had concluded that the problem was heavy soiling and they were therefore not liable or interested. So I sent them this: |
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| The Second Letter
The Managing Director XXXXXX Furniture Ltd 27 July 1997 Dear Sir, Thank you very much for your recent letter. I am sorry that I have not replied before, but I was on holiday. So, after your detailed investigation, you appear to have reached the conclusion that the suite is dirty because it has been subjected to heavy soiling, and I haven't cleaned it. Have you looked at the suite before reaching this conclusion? No. Have you attempted to ascertain what type of soiling might be giving me (and possibly other future customers) problems? No. Have you offered any advice on cleaning, or tried to clean a bit to see how it comes out (or doesn't, as is more likely)? No So what have you done, then? I'll tell you. Nothing. Not a sausage. Zilch. Your letter merely implies that we have got the suite mucky, so it's our problem. Now, when I bought the suite, and dragged a three year old (as he was then ) and a baby in arms (as she was then) into a showroom to look around, would it not have been nice if the salesperson had advised that a light cotton suite was probably not the best choice with young children about? I think I would have found that helpful, wouldn't you? I was told that the covers came off for easy cleaning. Would it not have been nice to have been told, before the suite was delivered, that the covers were dry-clean only? I think I would have found that helpful, wouldn't you? It would also have been nice to know that, after a period of less than one year (despite the fact that the original covers were supposed to be Scotchgarded), dry cleaning would make no difference at all to the state of the covers. I think I would have found that helpful, wouldn't you? In fact, I think I would have found all of the above so helpful that I probably wouldn't have bought the suite in the first place - a point which was probably not lost on your salesperson at the time. Your letter also advises that the replacement covers we looked at, at £1,400, are the top of the range, and that covers start at a much lower price. Your salesperson didn't tell us that. Not nippy enough on the buzzer there either, eh? In fact, your salespeople don't seem to be very good at telling your customers anything, except the name that the cheques should be made out to. I have also just remembered, while writing this, that having been advised of a delivery date after we bought the suite, and then checking that delivery date a week and then again two days in advance, and taking a day off work to move out the old suite, etc, we were telephoned at 3:30 pm on the afternoon that delivery was due, to be told that our suite was not going to be ready after all. It was only after a rather acrimonious telephone call that the suite was delivered that day, at about 6:00 pm (it had been ready all the time - apparently somebody just couldn't be bothered finding a lorry). This was perhaps not the best start to a happy customer relationship. So, overall, you will understand that I am not overly impressed with your company's apparent business philosophy of "sell them now and sod them later". The suite itself is undoubtedly of better quality than most of the others we have looked at. It's a pity that the covers are just not suitable. No company can trade forever on its reputation if the "front end" i.e. the sales force cannot advise customers of what is available to suit their individual needs. Finally, last week, one of the seat springs broke in one of the armchairs, and is sticking out through the bottom of the chair, and ripping bits out of the carpet underneath. I need this repaired, and I hope that you will be able to arrange this soon. I look forward to hearing from you again soon. Yours faithfully, This still wasn't enough for them. They wrote back again and said that they would come and look at it, but only if I paid them £45. So I sent them this: |
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| The Third Letter
The Managing Director XXXXX Furniture Ltd 11 August 1997 Dear Sir, Thank you for your prompt reply of 24 July, and for your kind offer to come and look at my suite, for a charge of £45. Since I am presently saving for a new set of covers for the suite, I regret that I might not be able to meet such a charge. In the interests of saving money, I would prefer to hire a wee van, and bring the broken chair, not to Hillington, but to my nearest showroom, on a Saturday or Sunday, and bring it inside and explain the problem. Unfortunately, I suffer from a rare hereditary vocal disease which means that I am unable to speak quietly, so it would be unfortunate if any customers were in the showroom at the time and might overhear my complaint. I inherited this disease from my father who used to be a rag and bone man, and his vocal chords were contaminated from years of yelling at the top of his voice from the cart, and breathing in the pollution from a flatulent horse. It's a pity he's still not in the trade, because he could probably have picked up a suite in better nick than the one I've got. Given the previous record of your sales representatives in being unable to advise customers properly, I might have to visit more than one showroom before I could find somebody who could help. In an effort so save you any such public embarrassment, I would be willing to allow your representative to examine and repair the suite in the privacy of my home, with no admission charge (normally £45) so you stand to make quite a saving there. Once the chair is repaired properly, you also stand to make a killing on the sale of new covers, and the £45 you want to charge now pales into insignificance. Coincidentally, I remember that, when the suite was 3 years old, you came and repaired the other armchair, at no charge. Perhaps the fact that I had already ordered the new covers that time, helped to promote a more positive response than I am getting now. This time, I have been working on how I am going to keep the new covers clean. I have bought five wee white boiler suits with hoods and facemasks, and five pairs of wee white wellies, for the family to wear while we are in the house, so that we can all pretend that we are Woody Allen and Gene Wilder playing the part of little sperm cells. I have installed a hermetically sealed decontamination chamber and high-pressure antiseptic spray facility in the front porch, and I have wrapped the budgie in clingfilm. I have also installed a Rolls-Royce RB211 jet engine in the window, as a dust and fume extractor, although I have to limit how I use this because it makes a lot of noise, and has turned the neighbours' gardens into deserts. You may well think that this is expensive overkill, but I feel that it is important that I meet your exacting cleanliness specification, and, if I can save the cost of replacing the covers again in another three years, the cost again pales into insignificance. So, how about it, eh? Here's the deal - you come and fix the chair for nothing (as you did before) and I'll think about getting the suite recovered. Alternatively, you don't come here, and I bring the chair round your showrooms for inspection (by you and anybody else who happens to be there at the time). You decide which options suits you best - I couldn't care less, because both options are cheaper than the £45 call-out charge you propose. I don't charge to come and look at your suites before I buy - why should you be paid to come and look at mine when it breaks? I look forward to hearing from you again soon. Yours faithfully Unfortunately this campaign wasn't so successful. I did go back to the shop (without the furniture!) but they weren't interested. I decided that although I wasn't happy at the advice I had been given, I probably didn't have the law or consumer acts on my side. I went out and bought a better suite for the price of their covers. A rare defeat!
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